The Switch

No, not the Jennifer Aniston RomCom (though I must admit, I did see that this weekend, and it was much better than anticipated...had a relatively good underlying message for a movie of its category), a temporary career shift. One advantage of being a teacher is being able to use my summer for different purposes than educating the limited number of youth in my immediate vicinity of Columbus. I have officially made "the switch" to interning at Veritas, the church of which I have been a member since I graduated college in 2009.

I can't say the entire move has been flawlessly beautiful, though I am basking in the joys of being able to do ministry in what currently feels like a limitless manner as rules against speaking truth in my own office have been repealed. I have, however, come to learn and love specific things about my summer experience at Veritas thus far:

1. God provides new ways to pursue my passions-- One thing I have come to enjoy a great deal about the mind and passions God has granted me is instances in which I may facilitate an hospitable environment. Moving back home to save money and participate in the complex year with which my family has been blessed seemed to limit this gift in its development. But, God is gracious! He has invited me, via Veritas, to become a source of vision and execution of hospitality for the church. I'm absolutely adoring working in conjunction with women who far exceed my talents as we decide on paint colors, furniture arrangements, and landscaping. I'm also greatly enjoying working with other staff and volunteers to script a biblical/missional vision into which we may bring members of our church so that we best learn how to humbly pursue hospitality within the church walls (something that is far too easy to lost in a church, yet should sit in a place of primacy as it speaks so openly and cross-culturally about the power of the gospel).

2. With the extra hours I am able to spend at the church, God has provided an incredible opportunity to work with a few other women in planning a women's conference for women in our region of Acts 29. Those of you who know me well, know exactly the height to which my heart lept when I was given the "OK" to work on this project! I have realized over the years that women's ministry is something that challenges me and transforms me in more ways than anything else I have encountered (with regard to serving in ministry, that is). It is scary to plan something that will be attended by a number of women who hunger and thirst for the Word of God. It means that my beliefs (or misbeliefs) about God will directly impact the theology that is cultivated by women attending the event. It therefore requires me to leave "me" at the doormat and trudge on through the power of the Spirit alone. I  am not good at allowing that to happen. God must continually transform me so that I can both, trust him to be the one who shapes the hearts of the women with whom I pursue ministry and not my misbeliefs, and trust him to change my heart so that I actually am able to experience the pleasures and pains for doing ministry through him to the extent that he has intentionally measured out for my life.

More thoughts to come on this "switch" soon. I'm currently scripting my support letter for the summer internship... perhaps it will make an appearance here soon.

Evening (of Morning and Evening): "I will accept you with your sweet savior." Ezekiel 20:41

I spent this past week on the beach with my family. Upon returning, I went through my usual ritual of watching a movie I’ve seen a thousand times as I unpacked, so as to make the process a little less painful while still retaining my focus on the task at hand. I popped in Sense and Sensibility and watched as scenes to come in my life unfolded. The differences between the two leading characters, Eleanor and Maryann, suddenly reminded me a good deal of a conversation my mother and I had had earlier in the week about my sister and myself. The difficulty we were discussing was the fact that I am driven by facts and regulations and my world is sorted out in this exact way. Grace is given as fact; it is written in scripture and sensed in my daily life and relationship with the Lord. That it exists is beyond question and that it penetrates my heart is pure fact, thus all that I must know of grace is entirely dependable and available to aid me in any moment of weakness or attack because it is easily accessible in the ‘fact’ file of my brain. I am the ‘sensibility’ in this scenario. My sister on the other hand is the ‘sense’ side of the equation. She is capable of feeling every word or exchange, every action, and every reaction at the center of her soul. These experiences define her understanding and thus, grace may at times be an abstract notion that cannot be counted upon. The experience she is muddling through or the prior occasion her heart has rested itself upon to call up information in passing through the current situation has robbed her of whatever the true definition of God’s grace may be.

            From this preexisting notion came the discussion my mother and I had during one of our walks along the beach. I confessed that I, for lack of a better word, have a prejudice against my sister’s way of examining the world. I cannot understand it; therefore, I despise it. From my sinful and limited perspective, why would a child of God spend so much energy calling up emotions as they face any new journey? Why must one become sensitive to his or her own acceptance before God or humanity with every trial that is faced? Why must one be so involved, so central to the understanding and accepting of truth? And thus, my mind spirals into a number of different ways of looking at ministry in light of the way I see this pattern of thought, all of which leave me feeling defeated because I have misunderstood God’s provision that comes through the complexity of his own creation. I see a ministry that errors on the side of expressing too readily that “you are accepted” and “you are beautiful” and all sorts of other wonderful expressions any woman would love to hear. When I would too quickly fire back, “No, you are not acceptable. Christ alone is acceptable. You are not beautiful, Christ alone is the definition of beauty and perfection.” But in truth, God would look down upon his lowly and sinful creation to tell us that neither perspective is right.

            Focusing on 1 Corinthians 2:6-16 tonight at church brought to light a number of things I have misunderstood about ministry. In the process of putting to shame those who believe themselves to have wisdom, two verses I had not spent much time dwelling on before came to the forefront of my mind. Verse 11 states, “For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him?” and verse 13 says, “And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual.”

           
             From verse 11, what rang clear in my heart was the fact that, though some knowledge might come over time or with experience, I can never know the depths of a person’s soul as the Spirit does. Though I speak to my friends as someone who knows them well, I do not know them as I should to actually give proper or infallible wisdom. How often do we sit down with friends to give advice with the expectation that they will take it? Far too many times I go to my friends for advice and become frustrated because they either cannot comprehend my circumstances, see my heart and examine it for sin as I wish, or their advice fails me. How humbling it is to remember the truth that it is God’s role to know our thoughts. When, by God’s grace, Paul tells us that we have been granted the position of “interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual,” but that is all. We are never wise. Through God’s Gospel of Peace, we are granted a limited gaze into his wisdom and are called to express that.

            Here again is an instance when you cannot look at someone who is spiritual (as Paul calls us) and say, “You are wise”. But, neither can you say to someone who is spiritual, “You lack wisdom” because that person now has Christ and does not lack wisdom; they only lack wisdom apart from Christ. Spurgeon presented me with the words to express the actual answer to this dilemma. He states, “What a cleansing power in His blood to take away sin such as ours! And what glory in His righteousness to make such unacceptable creatures to be accepted in the Beloved! Mark, believer, how sure it is in Him! Take care that you never doubt your acceptance in Jesus. You cannot be accepted without Christ; but, when you have received His merit, you cannot be unaccepted. Notwithstanding all your doubts, and fears, and sins, Jehovah’s gracious eye never looks upon you in anger; though He sees sin in you, in yourself, yet when He looks at you through Christ, He sees no sin. You are always accepted in Christ, are always blessed and dear to the Father’s heart.” In essence, it is the proud heart that looks upon any circumstance and believes themselves to be acceptable, beautiful, wise, or the like. But it is also the proud heart that paints the lowly picture of doubt in the Lord’s promise that you are made acceptable, beautiful, wise, etc. by his own handiwork. This heart equally deprives God the power and glory brought on by the work of the Cross of Calvary. And so, we must, all of us, Eleanor and Maryann alike, say, “The Gospel of Jesus Christ has made me always and forever more acceptable before God.  In light of this everlasting truth, I will work out the sin in my heart, because I know that no matter what dark and disgusting things linger inside my heart, I may never loose my acceptance before the King because my acceptance is not found in me.” And thus, beautiful, wonderful humility comes sweeping into my veins again when I stand in awe of the Cross of Christ as I always should. 

An Introduction of Sorts

I sat down to write today not because I had something of great significance weighing heavily on my heart that I knew needed to be put to paper, but because I did not. My hope was that writing would refresh my soul and grant me the opportunity to “lift up my eyes to the hills…” (Psalm 121:1) so that I might see the Lord, my Help. There will always be days on this earth that we feel distant and distraught. For me, today was one of those days. In some ways it served its purpose: it was a reminder that this is not my home and I am uncomfortable living in this fallen place, being my fallen self. On the other hand, I felt fooled and mistreated, “in the depths of despair” (L.M. Montgomery). Why this mix of emotions? Because the world (and by this I mean all types of worldly culture, from Hollywood to church culture, that do not depict the true essence of the gospel) feeds us myriads of lies concerning how our well being is to be assessed. My life currently sits in transition. I just graduated from college a few weeks ago as an Education major. However, it is February, so jobs are scarce to be found. This leaves me with a make-shift “apartment” in my parents’ basement, working for Starbucks about 20 hours a week and praying frantically for substitute teaching jobs to come before my student loan bills. 

Most people, like me, look around at their circumstances and always find themselves in some unwanted transition. Let’s be honest, our lives are always in transition. Whether we’re transitioning from school to the work force, singleness to marriage, one to two children, marriage to divorce, employed to unemployed, life to death; no matter what, something in our life is changing. Sometimes we want the transition. Other times we despise it. Either way, we continually find ourselves questioning its existence, going to whatever Christian resources we can dig up again to guide us through the transition, and often come out lost at worst and bandaged up at best, but never free of our pride or our fears.

  The question I’m presenting is, in essence, why is it that ministries, materials, and those things given to minister to us in order to help women become daughters of God who live out the gospel and preach it in every way tend to proceed in one of two relatively unhelpful directions: (1) They romanticize life and faith, brew in us an assurance that our own acceptance is the entire purpose of the gospel, and puff-up our expectations and our pride. (2) They build our strength and independence, tell us to never look for marriage but marry ourselves to Jesus and walk the Christian walk alone, without emotions or femininity because those things are perceived to no longer be culturally relevant but are shameful, and all together wrong. If we choose to indoctrinate ourselves with either of these theologies (yes, it is a theology, because our opinion of God becomes wrapped up in that reality) we quickly become women who misunderstand themselves, their God, their passions, and their purpose.

Often, I have laid witness to the fact that these aforementioned theologies can lead women to the understanding that we possess an innate desire to be beautiful, but never is it mentioned how this may become a reality and why the desire exists. We may come to the understanding that we do not desire to be left to the mercies of men and so we pursue strength and independence but know not to what destruction that path will lead. In the end, we become lonely, stubborn women (married and unmarried alike), pursing beauty and passion with little direction, much fear, and only the assurance that at one point or another we were told God accepted us for no particular reason at all.

The problem here is that our foundations are rotten to the core. Paul tells us that, “No one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 3:11). Our foundation is not our acceptance, nor our beauty, independence, freedom, or any other quality we perceive to be godly, but it is ‘…to know nothing among you expect Jesus Christ and him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).

The following posts will contain musings on subjects and theological opinions that have changed my life and my heart. I am reflecting on them now in hopes that the process will once again awaken our hearts to a love of seeing our God glorified.