Trust in Loss

This processes seems to have gone by so quickly for me. Yet, at the same time, I feel as though this phase of life has been my family's reality forever. In some sense, I suppose that is a true statement. If there is one thing I have come to better understand through this process, it is that the sovereignty of God must be viewed as the most acceptable and glorious of all things as we face life's most distinct trials, and surely He has known that this would be our reality "before the foundations of the world." He gave my brother the grace of eternal life and claimed  Jared as his own "workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Eph 2:10). Jared has certainly been brought to walk in them, and I believe, by God's grace, he has done so well. Even as I reflect on my own fretfulness in those first few weeks between the biopsy and the first round of chemo, it amazes me that God has allowed my brother's calm acceptance to be such a gift of assurance in this process. To be certain, we've each had our moments of doubt. The first time the reality of Jared's cancer seemed to permeate my heart is near unforgettable now...

It was his first round of chemo and I don't think he had stirred in his hospital bed all week. I'm sure no other pain in life thus far has compared to the first hours that drug ripped through his body. He didn't eat, he didn't talk, he didn't even move (which, if you know Jared at all, is incredibly worrisome. He broke my mom's rib in utero he moved around so much!). He simply laid in bed, wait for it all to pass. That Thursday night was my turn to stay overnight at the hospital. I had taking the following day off work, knowing that I wouldn't get a good night sleep and because I was speaking at our church's women's retreat the following day. Around midnight, I realized it was about time for me to start pulling together the details of my introduction talk. Unfortunately, my brain was altogether lost. I just sat their staring  at my brother, wishing their was something I could do to just make it all go away. So, I opened a sermon I had listened to for guidance this past summer, given by Matt Chandler (pastor of the Village Church in Dallas, TX  given back in 2003 on the same passage of scripture on which I was speaking the next day (Ephesians 3). The words he said hit me in the most profound way as I sat at Jared's bedside that night: 

“Let me be scary graphic and honest with you for just a second. There is coming a day for you, because you live in America, it will be a hospital room, and it will be 3 in the morning, and your wife or your husband and your children will be at home asleep, and there will just be you. And your lungs will labor to breath. And in that moment a foundation built on money, a foundation built on church attendance, a foundation  built on small group or a sunday school class, a foundation build upon cognitive understanding of God will not be enough to bring you peace. In that hour it will only be the nearness of God that will be your good, and it is on its way for me...” 

The Thanksgiving of 2009 Chandler was diagnosed with a brain tumor (Go to http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/blog/pastors/ for updates on Chadler's life as he too battles cancer). A year after that, I found myself sitting at Children’s hospital in Columbus, praying for my brother to recover from his own similar pain. Suddenly, the nearness of God was all the more precious. The reality that nothing else could carry us through was not just confirmed by what Chandler had said, it was something felt so deeply words cannot express how much joy and sorrow my heart felt in hearing them. 

Now, I sit waiting again for time to pass and my brother’s pain to be relieved. He is heading into the OR this morning at The James Hospital for his limb salvage surgery. The doctors will be removing part of his femur and replacing it with a titanium rod. They will wedge the titanium into the bone marrow left just above his knee and then adjust the muscles in his calf to sustain the new “bone” in his leg. The goal today is to remove the bone and the cancer in it without breaking anything or allowing the cancer to spread. It is amazing how much more calmly my family has proceeded into this day now that we have seen the goodness of the Lord go before us in so many other ways during this season. It is difficult to be sure. How does Jared Sylvester’s sister reckon with the notion that I will never see him run again? Really, he started running at 9 months! But his talent was a gift from the Lord. He did not “wrap on the uterus wall and ask for it” (Chandler), God chose it for him, he enjoyed it immeasurably, ad now God has taken it away. For what purpose? Surely to enjoy God still more. How? That we do not know just yet. But, what right have we to compare gifts or doubt God’s good and perfect will? At the end of this day, God will have proclaimed Himself more fully in our lives, I have no doubt. I will be sure to update you all then. 

With love and thanks for all your prayers and support. ~Melissa