Thanksgiving Thoughts

I have become frustrated; yes, that’s the best way to begin my thoughts on thankfulness. It is exasperating to continually feel the weightiness of how disinclined I am to pursue life with the joy and thanksgiving I ought.  I just spent the last 48 hours of Thanksgiving preparations and celebrations cooking, baking, talking, laughing, praying, eating, and so much more; but, I look back and see that those hours have ingested a great deal of pain and suffering as well. It is so easy to look at holidays with a foggy notion of perfection and falsified joy-- to believe that if you’re lucky enough to look in on your family and see a scene that belongs in one of those old snow globes, you’ve simply achieved the stamp of approval for holiday perfection. And yet, how often I have overlooked the moments for which I am called to repent, even in the middle of living a “picture-perfect life.” If I think about this day in light of the blessing of eternity a number of formidable things come to mind. 

First, is the daunting thought that while salvation provided by Jesus Christ lasts throughout all eternity, I am by no means prepared for such bliss. I am far too conceded to worship God as his righteousness demands. I am too naive of my own faults to enjoy the grace of God in all its splendor. I would love to leave this world behind, abandon the tension it provides my heart and soul, have silenced the deafening cry of sin and all its implications; but God is gracious as he continues to provide me time to walk beside him and be in awe of his great works here on this earth. May I evermore “...do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with [my] God” (Micah 6:8). 

In direct correspondence with that thought, is the awe-inspiring idea that, not only does God graciously allow us to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12) on this earth, but He has also allowed us to call heaven our home in which we may one day live. We have a home that does not have to forbid acts of folly, it foregoes them all together. We have a home that lacks nothing because it holds within it the God of the universe. We have a home that refuses to possess any haunting hallways, lurking corridors, or rooms filled with sour evocative notions. It indelibly stands as the home where our sin is not known or remembered, but our salvation, our redemption is fully realized. What a blessed thing! And what a wretched thought that I cannot, and often choose not, to dwell on the beauty of this with the intensity and wonderment it demands. 

There is one last and final hope in this train of thought, however, and it lies in this: that though I will never appreciate the costliness of God’s grace as I ought, and even though Jared’s cancer continues to wretch out my soul with all its might as the acuteness of my sin is brought before me, “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Christ is the perfect sacrifice by which we are saved. I am commanded to “work out” my salvation-- to live in awe and wonder and in light of the reality of it-- but never to provide such a magnificent thing as it for myself. Christ has accomplished what is not probably for the a sinner such as I. And so I rejoice again with the wise dying words of John Newton (author of the hymn Amazing Grace), “My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things; That I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Savior.”

The First Day of Chemo

Jared has just about completed his first full day of chemo treatment. They started him at 12:20 yesterday afternoon-- a little later than expected, but in God's perfect timing, no doubt. He is doing really well taking in the drugs and bravely facing new pain. I think the most painful part of this process to him thus far has been the beeping noises around the hospital, or at least that's what he has vocalized at this point. 

Last night my family was blessed to actually enjoy our hospital stay a good deal. Meals were provided to all the families on our floor last night, which is an amazing thing to take in! During the dinner hour an old friend of ours, who found himself on this same floor of Children's just 26 months ago with his own son, came to visit. It was incredible to hear the stories of their fight against cancer and all the friendships God was able to build during their time here. It astounds me how God orchestrates our lives. 

We have not been able to keep in touch with the Alfriends since we knew them well about 13 years ago. Now, we have reconnected with them through multiple different things. Jared re-met one of their sons while he was on a tour of Miami just last year, and we heard about Tyler's cancer through the woman with whom I share my classroom. Her daughter, Kylie, who Jared and I have gotten to know through our mutual involvement in Campus Crusade at Miami, had grown up with the Alfriends and was diagnosed with her own cancer the same day as Tyler. The Alfriends and the Bornhorsts battled cancer down the hall from each other just a few years ago. They beat it, and now they are back at Children's, walking alongside us as we face Jared's. What a blessing these friends are to our family!

We were also able to spend some time with some other friends who will be on the same rotation as Jared. Meghan is a 21 year old synchronized  swimmer on the US Olympic team who was given the exact same diagnosis as Jared about three weeks prior to his own. Through mutual friends connecting them, Jared and Meghan were able to meet up before chemo started and discuss their diagnosis and how the Lord is leading them through it. Last night, spending some time with Meghan, her mom, and her friend Michelle, the world seemed to be a bit cheerier and the hospital felt less sterile and more like a second home. 

Every time another visitor, particularly those like Meghan or the Alfriends, Cannones, or others who have been through what he's going through now, come to visit, you can see the relief on Jared's face. He listens to his ipod a lot, taking in words of encouragement through songs, but there is nothing better than the physical representation of God's care for him and support of his needs through the friends that walk through his door. 

We know that the battle is just beginning, but we're ready to "fight to win," as Tyler's slogan says. We don't want to win for ourselves or even Jared's future, but to win for Christ. It is He who gives us the breath to sustain everyday. So, no matter what life brings, we will cry out to Him in pain and sing praises to Him in joy, for He is the giver or all things. 

I have been reflecting recently on journals from past years and found this quotation written in my journal from when I was reading the bookA Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot my junior year of college:

"A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred."

The quotation was originally written by Amy Carmichael who was a missionary in the remotest part of India in the early 1900s. She spent the first few years of her ministry there caring for the people of India and sharing the gospel with them. However, the majority of her time there was spent in her small home, writing books and taking in visitor. She was ill and bedridden for years, but she refused to move home to get well. She wanted to stay and serve among the people as she wrote books of her suffering-- and joy in suffering-- that made it home to the comfortable homes of Europe. 

No matter what life throws at us, if we are already filled with the Joy of the Lord, it is impossible to pour out on the world the bitterness and grief that is expected in these circumstances.  

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. They are appreciated more than you could possibly imagine! 

Update: At the Hospital for Treatment

Bright and early this morning (at around 5:30) Jared and my mom rose to head over to Children's Hospital to begin Chemo treatments. The day started off slowly and easily-- getting acquainted with the nursing staff and waiting for his turn in the OR. Around 8:30 Jared was taken into surgery to have his Port placed in his chest. The surgery went seamlessly and the recovery was better than expected. When the biopsy was done, the anesthesia drugs took Jared under in more ways than one, so, there was a little bit of a concern that the recovery from this surgery would also be strenuous on Jared's body. It, however, was much easier. He has been keeping food down all day and been a little less groggy than last time. This is encouraging news when considering the side affects chemo often solicits.


The rest of the day was fairly calm. It simply included sleeping off meds and waiting for the treatment process to start. Around 5:30 the rest of the family showed up, bombarding the nurses with our boisterous personalities and "large family" appeal. Everyone had arrived to pray through and wait through the first chemo administration, or so we thought. To our surprise, the lab reports did not come back with enough evidence that Jared's body was truly hydrated and in good enough working order to receive chemo treatments just then. No true complications, just a request for more recovery and monitoring time before the actual "tough stuff" begins. With that, the first chemo drug will be wrapping through Jared's veins at about 8am tomorrow. As it does, we pray that every inch of its fluids attack all that has been battling against the perfect design God created for Jared's body, killing off the old deadly cells.


What a blessing it has been these past weeks to learn from the Lord how He cares for us through everything from the friendships that have kept us going and the prayers that have kept our hearts close to the Lord. We are certain that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, for He not only suffered to a greater depth spiritually and physically than Jared ever will, but He also died for us. He alone is the reason we are so assured that nothing will come to harm Jared that will not benefit him in the end. And the saving grace of God, through Christ, is what allows Jared the peace to suffer through this trial with the amazing bravery he has exhibited thus far. Let all glory and praise be to Him!


We thank you for your prayers and for the dedication and support you have so freely offered our family.