Thanksgiving Thoughts

I have become frustrated; yes, that’s the best way to begin my thoughts on thankfulness. It is exasperating to continually feel the weightiness of how disinclined I am to pursue life with the joy and thanksgiving I ought.  I just spent the last 48 hours of Thanksgiving preparations and celebrations cooking, baking, talking, laughing, praying, eating, and so much more; but, I look back and see that those hours have ingested a great deal of pain and suffering as well. It is so easy to look at holidays with a foggy notion of perfection and falsified joy-- to believe that if you’re lucky enough to look in on your family and see a scene that belongs in one of those old snow globes, you’ve simply achieved the stamp of approval for holiday perfection. And yet, how often I have overlooked the moments for which I am called to repent, even in the middle of living a “picture-perfect life.” If I think about this day in light of the blessing of eternity a number of formidable things come to mind. 

First, is the daunting thought that while salvation provided by Jesus Christ lasts throughout all eternity, I am by no means prepared for such bliss. I am far too conceded to worship God as his righteousness demands. I am too naive of my own faults to enjoy the grace of God in all its splendor. I would love to leave this world behind, abandon the tension it provides my heart and soul, have silenced the deafening cry of sin and all its implications; but God is gracious as he continues to provide me time to walk beside him and be in awe of his great works here on this earth. May I evermore “...do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with [my] God” (Micah 6:8). 

In direct correspondence with that thought, is the awe-inspiring idea that, not only does God graciously allow us to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12) on this earth, but He has also allowed us to call heaven our home in which we may one day live. We have a home that does not have to forbid acts of folly, it foregoes them all together. We have a home that lacks nothing because it holds within it the God of the universe. We have a home that refuses to possess any haunting hallways, lurking corridors, or rooms filled with sour evocative notions. It indelibly stands as the home where our sin is not known or remembered, but our salvation, our redemption is fully realized. What a blessed thing! And what a wretched thought that I cannot, and often choose not, to dwell on the beauty of this with the intensity and wonderment it demands. 

There is one last and final hope in this train of thought, however, and it lies in this: that though I will never appreciate the costliness of God’s grace as I ought, and even though Jared’s cancer continues to wretch out my soul with all its might as the acuteness of my sin is brought before me, “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Christ is the perfect sacrifice by which we are saved. I am commanded to “work out” my salvation-- to live in awe and wonder and in light of the reality of it-- but never to provide such a magnificent thing as it for myself. Christ has accomplished what is not probably for the a sinner such as I. And so I rejoice again with the wise dying words of John Newton (author of the hymn Amazing Grace), “My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things; That I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Savior.”

The First Day of Chemo

Jared has just about completed his first full day of chemo treatment. They started him at 12:20 yesterday afternoon-- a little later than expected, but in God's perfect timing, no doubt. He is doing really well taking in the drugs and bravely facing new pain. I think the most painful part of this process to him thus far has been the beeping noises around the hospital, or at least that's what he has vocalized at this point. 

Last night my family was blessed to actually enjoy our hospital stay a good deal. Meals were provided to all the families on our floor last night, which is an amazing thing to take in! During the dinner hour an old friend of ours, who found himself on this same floor of Children's just 26 months ago with his own son, came to visit. It was incredible to hear the stories of their fight against cancer and all the friendships God was able to build during their time here. It astounds me how God orchestrates our lives. 

We have not been able to keep in touch with the Alfriends since we knew them well about 13 years ago. Now, we have reconnected with them through multiple different things. Jared re-met one of their sons while he was on a tour of Miami just last year, and we heard about Tyler's cancer through the woman with whom I share my classroom. Her daughter, Kylie, who Jared and I have gotten to know through our mutual involvement in Campus Crusade at Miami, had grown up with the Alfriends and was diagnosed with her own cancer the same day as Tyler. The Alfriends and the Bornhorsts battled cancer down the hall from each other just a few years ago. They beat it, and now they are back at Children's, walking alongside us as we face Jared's. What a blessing these friends are to our family!

We were also able to spend some time with some other friends who will be on the same rotation as Jared. Meghan is a 21 year old synchronized  swimmer on the US Olympic team who was given the exact same diagnosis as Jared about three weeks prior to his own. Through mutual friends connecting them, Jared and Meghan were able to meet up before chemo started and discuss their diagnosis and how the Lord is leading them through it. Last night, spending some time with Meghan, her mom, and her friend Michelle, the world seemed to be a bit cheerier and the hospital felt less sterile and more like a second home. 

Every time another visitor, particularly those like Meghan or the Alfriends, Cannones, or others who have been through what he's going through now, come to visit, you can see the relief on Jared's face. He listens to his ipod a lot, taking in words of encouragement through songs, but there is nothing better than the physical representation of God's care for him and support of his needs through the friends that walk through his door. 

We know that the battle is just beginning, but we're ready to "fight to win," as Tyler's slogan says. We don't want to win for ourselves or even Jared's future, but to win for Christ. It is He who gives us the breath to sustain everyday. So, no matter what life brings, we will cry out to Him in pain and sing praises to Him in joy, for He is the giver or all things. 

I have been reflecting recently on journals from past years and found this quotation written in my journal from when I was reading the bookA Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot my junior year of college:

"A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred."

The quotation was originally written by Amy Carmichael who was a missionary in the remotest part of India in the early 1900s. She spent the first few years of her ministry there caring for the people of India and sharing the gospel with them. However, the majority of her time there was spent in her small home, writing books and taking in visitor. She was ill and bedridden for years, but she refused to move home to get well. She wanted to stay and serve among the people as she wrote books of her suffering-- and joy in suffering-- that made it home to the comfortable homes of Europe. 

No matter what life throws at us, if we are already filled with the Joy of the Lord, it is impossible to pour out on the world the bitterness and grief that is expected in these circumstances.  

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. They are appreciated more than you could possibly imagine! 

Update: At the Hospital for Treatment

Bright and early this morning (at around 5:30) Jared and my mom rose to head over to Children's Hospital to begin Chemo treatments. The day started off slowly and easily-- getting acquainted with the nursing staff and waiting for his turn in the OR. Around 8:30 Jared was taken into surgery to have his Port placed in his chest. The surgery went seamlessly and the recovery was better than expected. When the biopsy was done, the anesthesia drugs took Jared under in more ways than one, so, there was a little bit of a concern that the recovery from this surgery would also be strenuous on Jared's body. It, however, was much easier. He has been keeping food down all day and been a little less groggy than last time. This is encouraging news when considering the side affects chemo often solicits.


The rest of the day was fairly calm. It simply included sleeping off meds and waiting for the treatment process to start. Around 5:30 the rest of the family showed up, bombarding the nurses with our boisterous personalities and "large family" appeal. Everyone had arrived to pray through and wait through the first chemo administration, or so we thought. To our surprise, the lab reports did not come back with enough evidence that Jared's body was truly hydrated and in good enough working order to receive chemo treatments just then. No true complications, just a request for more recovery and monitoring time before the actual "tough stuff" begins. With that, the first chemo drug will be wrapping through Jared's veins at about 8am tomorrow. As it does, we pray that every inch of its fluids attack all that has been battling against the perfect design God created for Jared's body, killing off the old deadly cells.


What a blessing it has been these past weeks to learn from the Lord how He cares for us through everything from the friendships that have kept us going and the prayers that have kept our hearts close to the Lord. We are certain that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, for He not only suffered to a greater depth spiritually and physically than Jared ever will, but He also died for us. He alone is the reason we are so assured that nothing will come to harm Jared that will not benefit him in the end. And the saving grace of God, through Christ, is what allows Jared the peace to suffer through this trial with the amazing bravery he has exhibited thus far. Let all glory and praise be to Him!


We thank you for your prayers and for the dedication and support you have so freely offered our family. 

Jared's Response to Surgery

Jared is doing very well; he's been cracking jokes all afternoon, so he's pretty much normal. We had quite the experience transporting Jared back and forth from the hospital. We made this video (below) when he had just woken up, for the second time, and was trying to relate to you all what had happened today and how he was feeling. We left the hospital a short while later and headed over to Dr. Mayerson's office to pick up a few documents we need for Jared's appointment at Children's Hospital in the morning. 

When we arrived at the doctor's office, Jared insisted on going up and personally introducing himself to the staff. They're going to be some of his closest companions these next few months, so, he wanted to make sure he made a great first impression. After a few minutes of talking with his nurse, Jared looked at us all, very pale in the face, and said, "I feel dizzy, I need to sit down... I think I might throw up." Within seconds he was projectile vomiting into the trash can the nurse had grabbed from behind the desk. Jared stood up immediately after the scene had passed and informed everyone else in the waiting area that it was ok, he had just had surgery. We then proceeded to a room in which he could lie down for a while and regain strength. Almost right away he started cracking jokes about the situation and listing off all the things he could have done to actually freak the rest of the patients out. Clearly, we're not too worried about him loosing his sense of humor throughout this process. As Jena Long so brilliantly said when I first voiced my concern about Jared loosing his personality: "Something like that is too big to loose." 

PS: if you see someone dressed as a cancer patient running around Miami on Halloween, it's probably Jared. Yes, he's trying to find a way to be in Oxford this weekend, and yes, he does think it would be funny to dress up as a caner patient. And yes, Jared is still Jared...

Biopsy Day

Jared heading into surgery. We'll post updates soon!

The official diagnosis: Stage Two Osteosarcoma

What that means: The cancer has not spread beyond the 5 cm of the femur it has infected. Dr. Mayerson will be setting up an appointment with Dr. Yeager at Children's hospital to begin chemo treatments soon, more than likely next week. This week will be full of fixing things up around the house and mentally preparing for Jared's first round of treatment. We are excited to see what the Lord has determined to do with this. 

"For by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is by the gift of God, not a result of works, that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." -- Ephesians 2:8-10

We have full confidence that God, just as he graciously granted Jared eternal life and faith through Jesus Christ and the strength to continue to grow and mature in his faith in Christ, so He has planned for Jared and our family (along with you all!) to go through this experience. 

Please keep praying. Jared is not yet awake. We will be able to see him around noon or so, when the anesthesia wears off. Check back for updates on how he's doing and what his thoughts are on the diagnosis later today when we've had the opportunity to talk with him.   

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

From last night: didn't post...

Jared goes in for his biopsy tomorrow morning at 8, so my family sat down tonight to talk, worship and pray together. I am always encouraged when I think about the blessing that my family is-- what evidence they are of God’s grace in my life. Even earlier today as I was discussing with the Cannones who of my family has made it in town to visit Jared during these weeks of waiting, it was such an astounding fact to share that at 23 I still have all four of my grandparents. What’s even more incredible is that not only are they all still in good health, but they all know the Lord. With that, tonight as we sat and prepared for Jared’s first invasive, active fight against this cancer, it was an unmerited reward to pray with my siblings, parents, and grandparents for God to continue to be glorified every step of the way, including during the biopsy and its report tomorrow. 

I was also given the opportunity to choose the song we would sing together before heading to bed. My favorite right now is “How Deep the Father’s Love for Us” by Stuart Townend. The doctrine in it is simply beautiful. It capsulates more clearly and concisely than anything else how I feel at this moment. The verse I like best is the last one: 

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

Friends of mine sang this at their wedding; that was when the lyrics truly hit me in a new way. Marriage is a blessing none of us deserve. Love, family, friendship, companionship, pursuing Christ still more as our sin is revealed and killed through those relationships. These are all gifts that we are blessed to have by God’s grace. Add to that, that the redemptive work of Christ on the Cross makes these relationships better and more useful for the encouragement and continued joy of our souls-- the thought is mesmerizing in its tranquility and awesomeness! 

As I sat with my family singing the conclusion of this song yet again, I was reminded with a new and greater depth just how much I have gained from His reward. We will find out tomorrow how exactly God has chosen to bestow his graces upon us in this circumstance. It could be a miraculous sign of his handiwork, a reminder that he alone is Creator God, who gives and takes away, and in this instances may choose to take away the tumor in Jared’s knee. Or, he could remind Jared and each of us who love him of the great physical suffering Christ stood to bear our sin. He could choose to continue to proclaim his name through Jared’s weakness, for, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). He could do things with this illness that are “...far more [abundant] than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,” (Ephesians 3:20). 

Looking toward tomorrow that seems to stand at a great distance from me now, I only know one thing-- not that I will praise the Lord with all my heart at the answer to all our questions, that is a gift of rejecting sin and selfishness that I will pursue only by the power of the Lord and his great grace tomorrow-- that “His wounds have paid my ransom.” 

Psalm 25: A Call to Lay Everything at His Feet

I began my day today, by God’s astounding blessing, with time to myself! In a house filled to the brim with eight people all on various missions to ensure that the place is in the best possible working order, time alone is scarce to be found. So, I did my absolute favorite thing with my free time: I grabbed a cup of coffee, made a yogurt parfait, opened my Bible to Psalms, and began to pray through scripture. I had merely breeched the second verse of Psalm 25 when my mind was sent reeling off in a million different directions. The psalmist begins his prayer like this, 

“To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.”

The first verse was such an encouragement. The night before had passed with frustration and restless sleep. I needed nothing more in the provision of calm the following morning to “life my soul” to the Lord, let him take my burdens. It was the next verse that blew me off course. What does it mean to “not be put to shame?” Who are my enemies and when are they not to “exult over me?” Surely if this prayer was one God sought to answer with a “yes” for his children, Christ would not have been shamed by his own people! Truly, if God did not desire for our enemies to exult over us, the church would not be so readily put to death or persecuted for all of history! What then, or could I, pray along with these words of scripture? Where was my heart to be led?  

As I continued to meditate on this scripture and read through the remainder of the Psalm, I came to the realization that this verse is a cry for the Lord to be who he says he is. Perhaps we will face fleeting moments of shame or defeat, but may it never be that God’s children are shamed at the end of all things, for God is who he says he is! What an attitude to have; what a prayer to put before the Lord. “Father, be who you proclaim yourself to be. I trust enough in who you are to know that if you simply continue to be “the same yesterday, today, and forever,” (Heb 13:8) shame will never come to me, my enemies will never exult over me.” But, part of God being who he says he is, is revealing himself exactly when and how he determines is best for his glory. “O my God, in you I trust,” means that God may choose to allow for suffering, for shame to come for brief moments of our time on earth. Whatever it is that, in the end, leads God and his children to “not be put to shame,” that is what will be accomplished by God’s great sovereign hand. 

It’s interesting, looking at this scripture in light of the possibility of cancer my family is now facing. This week I have found myself pushing the issue aside, not wanting to talk about it again, becoming tired of having the same conversation ten times a day. Today I was reflecting on the natural flow of these conversations that persist into updates about my family and Tom Selleck’s character from Friends came to mind. There’s a scene in one of the first episodes he’s in wherein he explains to Monica and Phoebe how conversations about his divorce were made complete with the head tilt and the head bob. A ridiculous reference, I know, but in truthfulness, that’s often how things seem to proceed. Not that I don’t wish for those conversations. The head tilts and bobs certainly don’t diminish the necessity of those exchanges. Sometimes, though, I want to just wear a sign that says, “you are correct, my life is not perfect nor is it going according to plan” just to save people the trouble of asking. But life’s never going to be perfect for two distinctly different reasons. First, because we live in a fallen world. Cancer will not exist in heaven, where all creation will glorify God without any tarnishing evidence of sin. Second, because I have imperfect expectations of what perfection is. Though I might demand that things work out “perfectly” for me, I have no idea what that really means because I cannot in any way comprehend what perfection looks like. Instead my prayer should be,  

“To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.”

My response should be one that echos the words of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when they are facing prospect of being thrown into the fiery furnace. They make it known that God can save them, but he may choose not to. 

“But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up" (Daniel  3:18)

This is my prayer, that I may continually grow in having this attitude. “O my God, in you I trust.” You may determine life and death for me, for you created them both, and over them you have power and dominion. May I lift up my soul, my life, my future, my brother, everything I naturally hold dear. He alone has the correct formula for perfection.